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The Mission of Family: Love is Possible
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September 18, 2019Home is the place where we are most ourselves. It is where we are least “made-up”, least afraid of getting fired, least on display or on our best behavior. The relationships are more real (for better or for worse), and the decisions we make at home more accurately reflect who we really are and what we really want.
Home is basically where the rubber meets the road: if it is not real for us at home, then it’s not real. For example, we may express the belief that family comes first, that God is real and He loves us, and that eating healthy is important, but it’s what we do at home when no one is watching that tells us how much we really believe any of this stuff to be true. And, it’s for this reason that home is the place where we most deeply learn what life is actually all about.
Even the youngest of children sense that our actions, especially our actions at home, speak louder than words. We know down deep that love is only love when it is tested in the fires of the mess of the family, where no one else is watching, where there is no escaping each other, and where long-term trials and dead end relational dynamics wear us down to our most raw selves. We all know this too well from our experiences of brokenness in families.
When love breaks down at home, no amount of positive affirmation, success, friendship, or kindness outside the family can reach the depth of the hole that it leaves in each person involved. Other people can certainly help, but when we experience brokenness in the family, it can be very difficult for us to believe that real love is possible. We feel that if love is not possible in the most real, most hidden relationships, then it is certainly not possible anywhere else.
On the other hand, our experiences of love at home, especially when things are rough, give us a foundation of security and confidence that love is real. When we experience self-giving, merciful love at home from imperfect people in imperfect situations, it gives us deep, foundation-level hope that life is good and worth living even when things are difficult and painful.
It should not surprise us then to hear from people who grew up in broken homes that time in the home of a friend or relative whose family was intact was vital in their coming to believe that love is more than just an ideal and that they could have hope for their own future. Even people who grow up in a relatively happy family express the value of getting to see “behind the veil” in the homes of other families who deeply loved one another despite their messes. Every one of us knows that love is what makes life worth living, and so each one of us feels a deep need to know in reality whether the love that we yearn for is actually possible. This puts a lot of pressure on families to be who they are for the world!
The good news here is that we already feel this pressure naturally. It is the pressure all parents feel to love their children well, and the guilt they feel when they don’t. We all handle this pressure differently, but our task to grow in love in our families is nothing new, and the desire to get better at it is written into our nature by God. And, thankfully, He certainly knows that we need help.
None of us can escape the feeling of being overwhelmed at the task of loving our families well, the feeling of not having what it takes to really give what is needed. And, unfortunately, most of us are not sure how to take advantage of God’s help, and so we feel like it’s all on us. So, we often distract ourselves from this gnawing feeling of discouragement by staying busy, and we try to make ourselves feel better by comparing ourselves to others. None of it helps. Meanwhile, our spouses, our children, and those who could benefit from the witness of a loving family are left with very little. But, it doesn’t have to be this way!
God does not expect perfection from us, nor is he waiting for us to become like those people at church who seem to have all the time in the world and no struggles with prayer. He is ready to help, and honestly, He’s the only one who can, since He’s the only one who knows what is really going on at home in our hidden lives. He has promised to meet us there and be present in the “unholy” mess; we just have to give it a shot. We have to try, despite our cringing and doubts, to speak with him for a short time every day, to read just a little bit of Scripture, to pray just a short prayer with our spouse and with our kids. It doesn’t sound like much, but if you have tried it, you know how huge a step it is to begin praying at home when you don’t do it very often. But, like a father to a child, God is very patient with us when we don’t know what we are doing. He will respond!
God won’t make us perfect, but if we can begin to understand how He can possibly be present and do real, concrete things in our homes, can you imagine what that would do for the faith of our children? And, for the faith of those who are exposed to our families? If we do not experience that God is real at home, it will be very difficult to believe that He’s really real at all. However, if even a few families fight to overcome the obstacles to real prayer as individuals, couples, and families and begin to see how God can be present and active in the nitty-gritty mess, imagine the difference that family can make for an entire parish, and beyond!- Choose a book of the Bible, and take at least five minutes by yourself each day to read one paragraph and pray with it.Yes, it will be harder than you think, but it will also bear more fruit than you think!
- Before bed, stop your family and pray one prayer that you know (Our Father, Hail Mary, etc.), and ask each person to say what they are thankful for from the day.Doesn’t take more than a few minutes!
- Ask God to reveal to you who needs your family right now.Who needs an experience of real love, real togetherness, even if it’s imperfect?To whom is God calling you to open your home, even if just for a little while?
